19 January, 2010

lady bits! look at my lady bits!

today i had a lovely south african doctor look at my lady bits. it isn't often that having a doctor conversing with me while in-medias-speculum is even mildly acceptable: typically i employ all my remaining* faculties to pretend i am elsewhere, anywhere at all, preferably with my knees primly, fiercely and securely together. today i actually enjoyed the conversation and engaged in it actively. i like this one; she is calm, and friendly and very matter-of-fact. she wants to know what's wrong with me and then she wants to fix it. she also seems to have a fondness for liquid nitrogen and employs it frequently to burn off the bits of me that i no longer need.

(this is a continuation of a theme of good solid doctoring i had in edmonton. that one did not talk while in-medias-speculum which was a good thing: she was a good friend of my parents and it was odd enough showing my lady bits to a friend of the family, without actually having a chat while doing so. "so, what's your dad up to these days?" does not qualify as appropriate lady bit perusing topic. i'm pretty sure emily post would back me up on this.)

one other thing that was not fun today was having to pee in a cup. never mind the whole mid stream thing, the hopping about with your pants around your ankles thing and the hovering thing, but try and fucking pee IN the goddamn dixie-cup sized receptacle when you're a girl. we don't come with a hose attachment like our male counterparts and damn if i didn't pee all over myself. i then had to wash my hands while my pants were still firmly ensconced around my ankles, because i had to use my clean hands to put the lid on the pee-cup, wipe the pee-soaked cup with some toilet paper, wash my hands again, still pantless hop to the small door wherein i deposited my hard-won sample, pull up my trousers, re-wash the hands for good measure and be done with it.

the verdict, until the tests come back, is that i'll live a little longer, though i seem to be getting fatter and fatter no matter how much liquid nitrogen is used on me.

* the ones not actively engaged in keeping my knees "relaxed"


Geneviève said...

How dare you make me live through that many months before I am due to go in. That said, it was good for a chuckle as I sit here feeling sorry for myself.
I'm home sick and have people in the house tearing out the bathroom. I need a shower but will have to do the sponge bath thing (once they're gone of course). Next up will be the kitchen.

Cathy Davis said...
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the polish chick said...
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