27 September, 2009

fur on the tongue and a headache

the movers come tomorrow to pack up our precious belongings. i pray not one of my tasteful collection of china dogs gets chipped. that would really suck. it will be interesting to sit there and watch someone else do the work though (ok, you could say i have been doing just that the entire period of my unemployment, but the thing is, i have never actually seen mister monkey at his post. not ever. so it doesn't count.)

in other news: last night we went to a wedding bash. because i won a best out of three at rock-paper-scissors (i papered his rock, followed by two ties) i was the designated drinker. alas, my body said enough after two glasses of wine, while mister monkey's continued to holler an enthusiastic yes to a generous and varied selection of pretty much everything the bar had to offer so i drove. guess who had the hangover this morning. fuck.

15 September, 2009

in the hood

last night while walking through a neighbourhood of mostly middle class houses and the occasional mansion:

mr..monkey (pointing to one of the more magnificent mansions): now that guy! he built himself a HOUSE!
moi:...
mr. monkey (pointing to the statue of david* in the immaculately coiffed yard): they even got testicle guy!



*i kid you not: you know you have arrived when you have a statue of michelangelo's testicle guy in your yard

14 September, 2009

we're engaged!!!!

we just spent a lovely weekend in vancouver: the weather was gorgeous, our hosts lovely, and the only issue was the fact that my schweinegrippe refused to go away.

but it isn't only the h1n1 virus that is in the air, oh no, there is also romance (good god, as far as segues go, this one should be locked up in a padded room and medicated until it stops hearing voices). anyhoo - back to the romance.

everyone will have to agree with me that vancouver is one helluva photogenic city, and all over the west end couples were having "we're engaged!!!" photos taken by professional photographers with their harried assistants holding the light diffusing sails. the women were coiffed, the men were manly, the photographers were professional and the assistants were...harried. 

now if you know me, you know i find the idea of "we're engaged!!!" photos repulsive. i mean, come on. so you're engaged. ok. good. this love on display thing really makes me queasy.
one thing that's obvious, though - if there is one industry that is recession proof, it's the Young People Lacking Imagination Spending Their Parents' Money industry. blech.

11 September, 2009

dollar store gourmet

my lunch:
double-baked german rye and brie grilled cheese with a peach and peppered goat cheese mesclun salad with homemade garlic-brown sugar-balsamic vinaigrette. not bad, considering i ate the sandwich off a dollar store plate and the salad off a styrofoam tray that used to house tomatoes. the fork alone was of good quality. but hey, all this with an ocean view. i could get used to this extreme minimalism.

09 September, 2009

die schweinegrippe of the soul

  1. general feeling of spiritual malaise? check.
  2. two days of nausea-inducing migraine? got it!
  3. desire to eat every edible (and semi-edible) item in our house and in all the houses in the neighbourhood? yup.
  4. bleak outlook on life, future, possibility of house selling, career change, surviving into old age? absolutely!
ladies and gentlemen, i do believe the little pink pills do not lie: PMS, welcome. make yourself at home, hone my bitchiness and increase my naturally occurring suicidal tendencies and don't forget to shut the door on your way out in a week, you bastard.

08 September, 2009

minimalism: the extreme edition

last night i slept in a borrowed bed, this morning i sat on a borrowed chair at a borrowed table and ate my cereal out of a yogurt container. the spoon was mine.

flora and fauna and hearing difficulties

last night in bed, after mister monkey came back from his eucalyptus scented shower:

moi: (sniffing mr. monkey around the neck) mmmm, you smell like a koala bear.
some smooching ensued
moi: blech! from the mouth you smell like a wino!
mr. monkey: a what?
moi: a wino!
mr. monkey: a rhinoceros?
mo: no, a street drunk.

04 September, 2009

aaah, love sweet love

watching tv on the couch, eharmony commercial comes on ("blah blah blah...you could meet the person of your dreams...blah blah blah")

moi (grinning madly)
mr. monkey: why are you grinning like that?
moi: because you are the person of my dreams. i looove you.
mr. monkey: you're drunk.

03 September, 2009

car snacks and cucumbers

on our road trip to tofino we brought the usual suspects: carrot sticks, hummus, tomatoes and a large english cucumber because it's fun to whip it out of your backpack in public and wave it around in a vaguely threatening manner. and then you can even eat it if you want.

mr. monkey: you know what i'd like with my hummus? some nicely julienned cucumber sticks...
moi: (looking around at the rather complete lack of knife in car)...
mr. monkey: ?
moi:(grabbing the cucumber, lightly using my incisors to break the skin and forming something somewhat but not entirely unlike slices) SNAP!
mr. monkey: i asked for julienned sticks not chew medallions, woman!
moi: snarf! chew medallions! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SNAP! here's another one.
mr. monkey: (sullenly chewing)

once upon a time...

  • in the last few days i have seen a whole gaggle of seagulls standing around sheepishly with starfish sticking out of their beaks. i've never actually seen one swallow. oh gluttony!

  • coming home from an island hop last night we caught sight of a couple having balcony sex. short attention spans, though, or too much porn: each pose was held for an average of 7.5 seconds, except for the crowning glory, the 9.3 second blow-job. we were very disappointed when they went indoors, as, i am sure, was their neighbour several floors down who was enjoying a leisurely smoke and sex show.  oh disappointment!

  • on our drive to tofino we stopped at a roadside fish-and-chipperia where we were fed undercooked french fries and captain highliner's atlantic cod fingers by a tubercular chef and her earnest though under-washed assistant. several kilometers later we entered the world of locally sourced seafood establishments served, no doubt, by persons of robust pulmonary health and immaculate personal hygiene. oh mycobacterium tuberculosis!

  • in a couple of days we will be moving into our ocean-view rental* suite which, until the movers get there in a few weeks, will be sumptuously furnished with a borrowed mattress, two borrowed chairs, an antique table and two plastic dollar store plates. no, you can't come over quite yet. oh minimalism!


*sweeter words were never spoken - rental, thy name is leisure! no hammers shall come near thee, except for the glorious hammers of picture-hanging! no drywall compound shall mar thy beauty! no bestial whirr of drills shall disturb thy quietude! oh how i love thee, oh rental suite!

01 September, 2009

scientifically speaking

i have lately discovered a deep aversion to dark chocolate, quality notwithstanding. the smell itself makes me vaguely nauseous. strict scientific experiments under tightly controlled conditions proved that milk chocolate produces no such ill effects. apparently my body is rejecting the high quality antioxidants found in dark chocolate. i have increased red wine consumption accordingly.

one more sign of the imminent decline of the north american empire



"restaurant inspired feline cuisine"

no need to say more, methinks.