22 October, 2009

cochlear cockroach

yesterday i woke up with my ears feeling stuffed with cotton. everything was muffled and as a result i spoke extra quietly to everyone because i didn't want to be The Annoying Loud Deaf Person like my grandfather who used to holler into the phone so that his voice could cross the atlantic and reach us all the way over here.

now there are many things you know about me, but one or two you might not, and one of these hidden gems is that i build up a lot of earwax. perhaps this is because my ear hygiene is not up to mister monkey's standards (he has more q-tips than he can ever use up in the course of one lifetime unless he starts growing ears in petri dishes, while i find the idea of sticking a q-tip in my ear revolting beyond belief) but i blame genetics. damn you, genetics, for my gummed up ears!

so when i woke up with cottoned-up earholes, i knew the time had come for my twice-in-a-decade ear cleaning. the first two times i went to actual registered medical professionals but the last time this happened, mister monkey and i were stuck in niagara falls which, as everyone knows, has no medical professionals of any kind, just touristy t-shirt shops and people sitting in barrels at the top of the falls, waiting their turn. so we went to the drugstore, bought some ear drops, and a rubber snot aspirator and mister monkey went to town on my earwax, gobs of which erupted out and into the tub.

yesterday, we repeated the performance and i must say that it is moments like these that really test the strength of your marriage. if the man you are with can calmly watch a rolled up cockroach sized wad of ear junk plonk out of your ear and still want to cuddle you in bed later that night, then your marriage has the strength to weather whatever life might throw your way.

and now i can hear, which is good. except, good lord, who knew this keyboard was so bloody loud?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I had no idea you could do that on your own. I am also plagued with this problem and in fact got them unplugged very recently. I'm sure my man would clean my ears too. We have good husbands.
g

the polish chick said...

yup. all you need is earwax softening drops available at any pharmacy, a rubber snot aspirator (although i'm sure a turkey baster would do), some very warm water and a husband who isn't squeamish.
then again, you have had a baby, so yours has already seen a disturbingly large foreign body leaving one of your orifices which ought to make things easier.
put in drops, wait some time, kneel by bathtub and squeal in discomfort as your man squirts warm water into your ear. repeat.

Anonymous said...

I have the same ear wax problem. Actually everything east and west of the cheekbone is pretty greasy. I feel your pain.

Joan said...

Kara has this problem. You don't even need special drops. Her doctor got us to use a few drops of vegetable oil.