my first thought, whenever i see the Flashing Lights of Law, is "hide the crack!!!" before i realise that, as per usual, i do not have any crack, nor have i ever had any crack, nor have i ever even seen crack (which, by semi-logical extension means that i might have a trunk full and wouldn't even know it! which would be a LOT in terms of street value! early retirement, here i come! except i really don't think i have anything resembling crack in my trunk...damn!)
after the crack fear passed, i pasted my best bambi smile on and prepared to find out what the heck i had done wrong.
what i had done wrong was failing to renew my license (for a long long time, it turns out), apparently an offense punishable by a 230$ ticket, a towing, and a popsicle up the ass, all of which the officer kindly enumerated before announcing magnanimously that he must be having a good day, because he was going to let me go. (must be the bambi smile.)
"where are you going now?" quoth he. i almost opened my mouth to say, "superstore to buy cherries, why, you want some?" before i realised that what he wanted was for me to say, "to get my license renewed" so instead i said, "straight to AMA, officer.**" "do not pass go, do not collect 200$," replied the Law. "do i get a 'get out of jail free' card?" fluttered moi. he smiled and walked back to his cruiser.
i drove to AMA pronto (my license had expired in april 2008!!! this is so unlike the typical anal moi and i have NO idea how this lapse occurred) and gave them lots of money for which i received a small blue sticker.
then i drove out of town to bury the body that was decomposing in my trunk, followed by a quick hit of crack which, it turns out, was in between the seat cushions all along. although, come to think of it, it might have been petrified cheese since there didn't seem to be that much of a high. except, of course, for the joyful glee i always experience when burying bodies.
*does it make it less real if he had an aussie accent? it was all i could do to keep myself from saying "that's not a gun, THIS is a gun!" which, under the circumstances, might not have been in my best interest. also, i don't have a gun, big or little, in my car.
**it also took all my willpower not to say "ocifer," because that's just silly and most probably counterproductive.