21 February, 2009

jebus! enough already!

crap. my blog seems to have become some sort of embarrassing college-age drunkstravaganza. and here i am on the cusp of my 37th year. either it's me or it's this place. let's blame it on the place. god knows i never drank anywhere else. ever. ahem.

i seem to be making peace with my extreme unladylikeness in the face of alcohol, but perhaps i needn't share my adventures with the world (translation: 6 regular readers). eh, whatever. 

but if you want some intelligently written entertaining stuff, i encourage you to go to right-hand link to izzlepfaff. cause this guy is funny in a way i could never aspire to. 

acting all grown up

last night i conducted a highly controversial sociological experiment: i went out with the girls and had 1.5 pints of beer and then drove myself home. my speech remained unslurred, my actions fully remembered, and while there were three  (count'em: 3!!!) whole glasses of white zinfandel* spilled, i had absolutely nothing to do with it. 

when mr. monkey heard my key in the door, he sort of half hoisted himself out of the couch, because the typical way this sort of thing goes is that after a girls' night out i weave my way down the excessively long hallway of our apartment building, enter the premises, and, having exhausted my resources on maintaining some semblance of dignity in the face of whomever is driving me home, promptly collapse in the dirt of our doorway and require the husband to de-boot and then un-pant me (and not in any sort of sexy way, either). he seemed rather stunned that a) i drove myself home and b) i took off my own boots and pants. i looked deep into his eyes and read the relief there - tonight he would not be washing vomit off the walls; tonight, he would not have to physically manhandle me into the shower; mainly, tonight - no vomit.**

so that was last night. tonight we are going out again and i think i will try this new policy of restraint. also, ordering beer seems to help - i simply do not enjoy the stuff enough to get myself accidentally plastered.

* the girl who spilled two of the three glasses of white zinfandel was so loud and obnoxious, she made me feel ladylike. she also scoffed at a particular wine i like which shocked the hell out of me, cause, dude, you're drinking white zinfandel! you have absolutely given up your right to question my wine choices when you ordered the white zinfandel...which you then spilled...twice!

**yeah, like i'm gonna tell you about that! although i might, if my defences are down (translation: if i'm raving drunk)

10 February, 2009

back and better than bob

no, i am not dead. my fingers work, it's the brain that's the problem. and hey, i am not here to entertain you. i am here to make more penguins (i thought we'd already been over this ad nauseum - give or take a vowel) and since i am failing at that, i might as well multitask and fail at the whole entertainment bit. 

too much pressure.

i can't take any more pressure. 

hey, let's update the last several months in random sequence:

1. mister monkey wants a midget*. this is the direct result of watching "elizabeth" and some other historical costume drama wherein le chic thing to do was owning a midget. he actually called me up from work one day and announced his desire for a midget. i am currently working on it.

2. the weather needs better upper management. this whole melt - freeze - snow - melt cycle is counterproductive not to mention annoying. that's all i am going to say about the weather because i have yet to plumb those particular depths (good god, a meteorologically themed blog! shoot me now!)

3. did i ever actually write about how incredibly well-dressed polish people are in poland? the cute hats? the scarves wrapped with careless elan? the cute shoes? the distinct lack of john deere baseball caps and skidoo jackets? if so, i apologize for the repetition. blame perimenopause, i should be heading in that direction in the next bit, so i might as well use the handy excuse provided.
(edit. note: yes i did. in the previous post. not too difficult to check.)

4. anger issues. many anger issues. possible solutions: murderous rampage or quitting job. am considering both options now. feedback would be appreciated.

5. i am listening to a lot of scandinavian singers lately, and yet the jar of pickled herring sits unopened in the fridge. one of life's little conundrums.

*my apologies to any midgets in my audience. also, a note to any midgets in my audience: if you are clean, with good personal hygiene habits and are willing to vacuum and wash floors, there might be a position for you in my household. apply with resume and a picture of you in costume. (you pick the costume)