29 November, 2008

november narcolepsy and other tales of woe

this thing we do to get money for that little drinking problem we might or might not admit to. this thing we do to pass the time from one weekend's drunken debauchery to the next. this thing that, if we're very very lucky (or deluded), is supposed to elevate us, bring us pride and a sense of accomplishment.

lately i greet each and every workday morning with a heartfelt (if somewhat hoarse) "fuck." no exclamation point for a reason - i cannot muster up enough energy for an exclamation point. it's a quarter after five, there is snow on the ground, the local assholes are warming up their gigantic diesel trucks, i cannot afford an exclamation point. an exclamation point would push me over the edge. there'd be guns involved. lots of blood. incoherent cursing in multiple languages. i try to keep it even-keeled, so it's just that dispirited little "fuck."

lately, in my path to yogic benevolence and peace, i've tried replacing the "fuck" with a sense of thankfulness for still being alive and all, but, hot dawg, the things i am thankful for lately do not include work, and work is precisely where i'm off to. fuck.

do you want to know how bad it is? two days ago i did not bring lunch and popped into the gas station next door where i purchased a bag of doritos. for lunch. for me. this is a shocking and unprecedented development. coworkers stared and offered to call 911.

the following day i went to the store directly after work and bought frozen chicken wings (for mister monkey), frozen pizza, frozen mac'n cheese, frozen cheese sticks and a big bag of tortilla chips. sure they were the multigrain "healthy" variety, but that's just like saying sugarfree pop is good for you. or that guns don't kill people. or that hitler liked dogs. these are not good signs. so yes, things are bad.

there is a staff meeting this sunday night (presumably because it is way more fun to spend the evening discussing issues that will still be dealt with in the way chosen by the powers that be, but hurray for the illusion of democracy, than it is to sip a nice merlot on the couch with the beloved spouse).

having been notified of the meeting, i promptly called mister monkey and gave him a warning that i might very well lose it, start yelling at people and quit my job on sunday. he's ok with that.

26 November, 2008

who says romance is dead?

in bed one night:

moi: if you really loved me, you'd rub my back.

mr. monkey: i just did!

moi: that was a smack, and it was my butt!

mr. monkey: well that's okay then.

15 November, 2008

so...about vegas

vegas: a synopsis

the people: freakishly friendly, except for that one bellman on the last day, and you know who you are, asshole! your attitude is the reason there shall be no tipping for you. ever.

the strip: good for exactly 1.47 days. we overstayed this by exactly 1 day.

the desert: gorgeous, glorious, spectacular, peaceful, breathtaking, calming, did i already say gorgeous? i want more.

american news networks post-election:* pretty much business as usual, i.e. absolutely no world coverage at all. had there been a disaster that claimed the lives of millions and wiped paris off the face of the earth, we would not have known. unless sarah palin had pressed the button.

overall: the only real difference i found between the casinos of the various hotels was the smell. the wynn had a citrusy floral fragrance, the mirage smelled like old lady perfume, and our home, the sahara, smelled like cigarette butts with a subtle but pervasive undertone of dried camel dung (for verisimilitude, undoubtedly).

there was a disturbingly high percentage of persons with reduced mobility and while i get that vegas is one place where you can easily holiday entirely while sitting down, i don't get wanting to maneuver your wheels through crowds of vomiting fratboys.** also, who brings children and pregnant women to vegas? has second hand smoke been shown to have radical health benefits for both the unborn and the recently born?

in a nutshell: the best part of our trip to vegas was the bits we spent outside vegas. the lake mead drive is spectacular; red rock canyon stole our hearts; death valley's artist's palette was probably one of the most unusual and astonishing bits of nature i have ever witnessed. ok, the snow on the way to mt. charleston made me want to weep, knowing there was 6 more months of that ahead of me...but the views were purdy!

so, where are we going next?

*about freakin' time!!! yay!!!

**who will go home to oklahoma and call this "good times"

01 November, 2008

vegas. yes, vegas.

ok, fine. let's get this out in the open so you can make fun of me later:

yes, i'm going to vegas. and no, i will not be gambling or getting married in a crumbling elvis themed chapel. we are going because...frankly, i have no idea why we are going, now that celine dion has closed her liberacean extravaganza and started getting photographed with serious political personages like nelson mandela (who, in my view, was casting a slightly disgusted gaze at celine's entourage, what with the princess hair* - on the kid, not the mother - and grandpa mister celine, whatever his god given name actually is).

so: vegas? why?

well, i wanted to waste a few airmiles. i wanted to go somewhere that had green vegetation (and yes, i realise i am going to the desert for fucksake, but have you people SEEN fort mcmurray?!). let's be honest, i wanted to go somewhere that had semi-nude men in roman togas passing out drinks.

we rented a car for around 8 whole bucks a day. even with the plummeting loonie (insert visions of ailing airborne waterfowl here) this seems like a sweet deal. perhaps we will drive down the strip and whoop loudly like a band of drunken frat boys. perhaps not. but we are keeping our options open.

we are planning trips to red rock canyon, lake mead, hoover dam, and possibly death valley, something my parents are really pushing because the last time i was in death valley i was passed out in the leather backseat of a 1962 bentley and no force on god's green earth was going to make me exit the vehicle so i really did not see what my parents still refer to all these decades later as the most spectacular sunset ever. whatever. it was fucking hot. also, i had what my parents affectionately refer to as an angelic visitation (and i bitterly refer to as heat induced delirium) and for some reason they want me to go back and see if the angel will make a repeat appearance. he could, but i really don't think i'd recognize him - he was just some hitchhiker who calmed my fears of dying in the desert and having my corpse eaten by lizards. except apparently he was only in my head.

so, vegas.

i won't tell you where we're staying because people make fun of me when i do. i am cheap. i refuse to spend big bucks (or moderate bucks) on hotels because i need the funds for crackwhores and meth (just kidding! who actually PAYS for crackwhores and meth?!!!).

ok. wish me luck. i may not write again until we come back (unless i get drunk tonight) and once we do come back it is unlikely i will blog about vegas cause what's the fun of blogging about what actually happened when it's so much more fun to speculate (note a distinct lack of detailed blogging about england/poland/ontario/nola/florida/vancouver)?

*i am a modern woman and realise that gender identity is murky nebulous concept, but i cannot believe that a young boy would actually want hair like that. i mean, come on! and even if he did, that's what parents are for! to prevent their misguided offspring from going to school every day wearing their teenage mutant ninja turtle pyjamas on backwards or sporting princess hair. the same goes for you, miss kate hudson!

meteorology for morons

while getting ready for our upcoming las vegas trip i went online to see what kind of weather to expect. the website dutifully informed me that the average temperatures for october are 30C but by november they drop down to 19C.

yesterday i went to check the forecast and found that yesterday's 27C is to be replaced today with 19C. holy shit. someone there takes their temperature averages seriously! it's like having a baby on your actual due date.