23 September, 2008

hey lady, hey lady!

anyone who has ever been forced to take CPR with any regularity will be well familiar with the titular holler, though in class it is more of an embarassed monotone as the instructor looks on with glee while we attempt to get a response from one butt ugly plastic alien corpse.

so, all together now: hey lady, hey lady! are you ok? are you ok? (i really don't know why we have to say it twice, it's not like the bleeding corpse by the steaming car wreck will suddenly look up at you and say "...uh, sorry? were you saying something? i was lost in thought" while their severed head bobbles comically.)

the truth of the matter is that although i am required to take CPR every single year, the only thing that i remember for a solid fact is that stupid holler. i probably even remember the correct ratio of breaths to chest compressions (although the bastards seem to change them, as though our physiology keeps coming out with a new model every year!) but i am less than enthusiastic about the actual act.

oh sure, if you (provided i know you and then provided i at least tolerate you) were down for the count i would most likely glue my lips to yours and try to bring you back to the land of the living, but grungy strangers in back alleys with open sores can merely count on my alerting the authorities. i ain't kissing some dude i don't know. baby, those days are over! (shut up.)

and even if i was the most keen of dental professionals,* the other thing i remember from the class is that CPR almost always fails. so fill yer pants!

tomorrow i will be down on the floor smacking a silver baby on the back, at the very least ridding my body of some very unsavoury aggression. wanna come?

*why is it that i throw up a little in my mouth every single time i hear or utter those two words?

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