27 July, 2008

smoker's toes

the nails on my big toes are smoker's yellow, on account of me being too lazy to put on any undercoat before piling on the hooker-red, and the resulting discoloration tells me everything i don't want to know about the fun chemicals involved in the making of nail polish but, hell, i want me some hooker-red toes and if that means i shall die of toe cancer at the advanced age of 42, well, thus it was written.

also, i am so inflexible, that the idea that i would smoke using my toes makes me giggle uncontrollably.

you know those artists who lose their hands and then continue to paint using their toes? that would so not be me. you'd have to put the canvas waaaaay out there, since i can only bend my knees ever so slightly before they start emitting these highly disturbing and really rather nauseating crackling noises. as for the alternate idea of me painting using my mouth? well, how the hell would i drink wine and talk then? so, i'd best not lose my hands then, because shazaaam! no more painting.

of course i am not painting now either. now, i am too busy waiting for my life to begin, a truly spectacularly fucked-up notion for which i fear i will be punished by getting dead as soon as we leave here.

but, on to other topics:

my arms are seriously sore today. i blame too many downward dogs, followed by a truly pathetic attempt at a nice set of push-ups (girl kind) of which i actually only did 5 before collapsing face down on my yoga mat, trying not to think how sad all this was.

my legs and ass are sore because for the first bike ride in a month or so we chose to ride all the way downtown because joe fresh was having a huge sale on their ridiculously inexpensive and seriously cute clothing of which we purchased much. of course, what comes down must go up,* and so we crawled our way back up the hill, the mount everest of northern alberta, the kilimanjaro of the oil fields, the damn big hill.

as we walked our bikes we had to swat at the army of mosquitoes that were making a meal of us. being slower i kept an eye on mister monkey and between panting would periodically yell out: right leg! over sock! left arm! LEFT! right elbow! there was a couple walking ahead of us and i wonder what they made of these exclamations..some strange game of hillside twister perhaps?

anyhoo...i am sore.

*as proven by tequila shooters and gin'n juice.


Anonymous said...

Glad you're back...I've been waiting three weeks for a new post. I actually had to resort to going on the Canadian Idol website for entertainment.

the Dude said...

What the fuck you talkin' about? 42? Advanced age?