5 minutes ago i cut mr. monkey's hair.
it was the usual routine - first he got me drunk (or rather, because he twisted his ankle at work today so badly he actually passed out and spent the majority of the day getting taken to and from the on-site doctor's office who actually came out of the office to the truck to see him, ain't that cool? even if it is a pre-emptive anti-litigatory sorta thing, so he kept sending me for more alcohol that he then sort-of-but-not-really forced into me).
then, after the getting drunk bit, he hopped into the bathroom from which we had removed the pink wool rug (sounds odd, in the bathroom, but it's cute and i got it cheap at crate & barrel and, damn it, why is calgary getting crate & barrel before we do? bastard fucks!) so that the little hairs would not penetrate it and make it creepy.
then, i brought in the hi-tech extension cord and plugged in the hair cutting device whose name presently escapes me probably on account of the alcohol i consumed in order to even agree to do this, which i did. agree, that is. my sentences are too long for a tipsy person to decipher.
then i panicked.
this is normal. i always panic and mr. m has to talk me through this.
then, when i finally picked up the hair-cutting-thingie mr. m began to swing his neck around like a pissed off cow (he was on all fours on the floor at this point to facilitate the hair removal project on account of the cord being too short). this was designed to piss me off and make me threaten to walk out, which i always do (the threatening, not the walking out because if i walk out, he'll do it himself and then i'll be really in trouble since i at least see what i am doing, whereas he blindly plows all over his head removing random lengths of hair from random bits of head and the result is nothing if not alarming, though entertaining is a term that could also be used).
then, squealing girlishly, i cut his mullet off while he talked me through it. there was a lot of cursing, a lot of giggling, and a lot of hair and then it was done and he picked up the hair, tossed it in the garbage and got up all good looking and such.
as a wife, and as a human being.