03 October, 2007

desperate housewives call for desperate measures

i had a teenage patient today that caused my ovaries to attempt to hang themselves on my fallopian tubes. he was a big fat ugly stupid fuck that sauntered into the room with all the apparent self-assurance of donald trump, his jeans halfway down his ass, his gangsta cap at a jaunty angle on his large, empty and seriously unattractive head. at one point he actually spit out the plaque that i had scraped off his teeth (he doesn't brush all that much - "that's what gum is for"), and despite my shock at having someone spit in my general direction, i have to say i got a big kick out of watching a big wad of tooth gunk land in the vicinity of his eye which i think embarassed him somewhat and took away that tough guy edge that he was aiming for. he also proclaimed that he would not come in any more once he reached the age of...ahem...maturity. to which i reply, "sayonara, sweetheart! don't let the door hit your lumpen ass on the way out!"

the sad thing is i know exactly what kind of man this guy will grow into - misogynistic, stupid, mcdonald's-eating, bad beer-drinking, tossing his bottles out the truck window, marrying the one drunk insecure girl he manages to impregnate in highschool, bringing forth more lumps of antipathetic evolutionary slag, until he keels over from a heart attack at the age of fifty, thereby making the world a marginally better place. in the interim he will insult women, ethnic minorities, people who eat vegetables and drivers of small japanese vehicles, and spew bad breath in the general direction of the world at large. god, how depressing.

semi segue:

the older i get the less interested in kids i get. even if they are not a walking lump of fermented sperm, like this gem, even if they are cute and funny and all that kid-related stuff women go all "AAAAWWWWW" over. and yes, i realise i was gushing over a little girl a few posts back but she was so rare an exception that i should have gone out and bought a lottery ticket right then and there. overall, i am coming to the conclusion that i want neither children nor pets, both being noisy, messy, smelly, high maintenance, and ultimately undependable.

ain't i a cheerful gal? don't you just wanna hang out with moi? oy.

8 comments:

Joan said...

Hey there Ms Smarty Pants! If people like you don't have kids and bring them up correctly, your patient today will be the next generation, with no good ones to offset him! Like THAT'LL help the world! Thanks!

aga, a large slavic woman said...

joanie poodles, you already created two such charming creatures that i have no hope in hell of competing, parenting-wise. you done two, so i can do none. thank YOU very much. ha!

joan said...

Like you'll get the last word on this!

Procreate dammit! My kids thinks you are the coolest chick ever! You and the monkey would have the neatest, smartest, weirdest, kids that I would ever have the privilege of meeting. You just don't know it. And you don't know how much you'd love it!

aga, a large slavic woman said...

yeah, we probably would have those kind of kids, but it would require something i am not too fond of: WORK! and lots of it. don't think i've forgotten the look of desperation and elation the minute i walked through your door because finally you had someone you could talk in complete sentences with. and drink wine with, too. i remember!

joan said...

So, you've discovered the secret, Grasshopper. Make babies well, but but make friends weller!?

joan said...

Excuse the extra "but" in that last post. I've gained weight.

aga, a large slavic woman said...

you? gain weight? unpossible!

Anonymous said...

It must be hard dealing with fucktards like that. I sympathize. Regarding kids, due to Mr. Monkeys 'bubblehead gene' you'd probably need a C-section, definitely an epidural, maybe a martini, or 2.

Let me know how it turns out.