14 August, 2007

sheep - new and improved!

1. hey! i chopped all my hair off. people tell me it makes me look a decade younger, so either i look like a hot twenty-something-year-old or i looked like shit before. and if that's the case, thanks a lot for telling me. perhaps you felt bad, but it wouldn't have hurt either one of us if you had gently suggested i perhaps hold off on that third glass of wine and maybe rethink my sleeping schedule, no? is that the reason you haven't been returning my calls, by the way? i guess who wants to be seen hanging out with the polish crone?

2. folk fest was amazing. it was a return to the line-up full of unknowns who blew the mind. also, i am reaffirming my desire for continued and blissful childlessness: although there were some nice warm moments, sharing my house with six (count'em: SIX!) teenagers was overwhelming. next time, i'll take them in pairs, noah-like. one pair per year. or thereabouts.

3. i learned something important in the last little while: if you want to be a great musician, you need to be named willie. in fact, if you are named willy, you will have great chances of becoming legendary in your chosen genre. wee willie, blind willy, willie nelson, little willy, big willie and countless other willies, all famous to those in the know. parents, if you have a child with high musical ambitions, i urge you to rethink naming him "jayvon" or "jayden" or whatever passes for male names these days. trust me. go with willie. and buy the kid a banjo.

4. and speaking of names, did you know that a disproportionate percentage of north american murderers were named dwayne? really. i think i read it in the chicago reader. it's true. they had stats and everything. of course i am too lazy to actually look them up or anything but it is so outrageous it must be true. so we were in this neighbourhood gay bar in chicago and i was chatting with this guy and we were trying to figure out what the "W" in george w. bush stood for and we were sure it must be wayne, like an undercover dwayne. we never did figure it out.* still, parents, if you do not harbour any musical ambitions, but would like your child to not murder people, perhaps you ought to stay away from "dwayne." then again, in my mind, the name "dwayne" conjures up trailer parks, pregnant fifteen year olds named mary-jo-ellen and engines on the lawn. my apologies to any surgeons or lawyers named dwayne, who, i am sure, must be out there somewhere to satisfy the goddess of statistics**.

*it's actually "walker" which is a retarded name. hell, it's not even a name, it's a description of a skill one masters in toddlerhood, which is probably why they picked it. "thinker" would not have fit very well, would it? then again, what do you expect from parents who named one kid "jeb"?

**seshat, an egyptian goddess, is associated with mathematics, so i guess that's just a hop skip and a jump to stats. now don't say i never look anything up for you, you ungrateful curs!

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