23 August, 2007

minimizes pores, thickens hair, enhances erections

okay, let me make something clear here. i am not, nor have i ever been, in favour of the type of brainless swearing frequently heard in second class drinking establishments (the kind that have a "no knives" sign on the door) or junior high schools. i don't hold with peppering your even most inane pronouncement with the f-bomb. it is silly. it does nothing to elucidate your ideas. it does nothing to sharpen your wit in the eyes of others. it is indeed (in tony's words) "merely a compensation for a limited vocabulary."

however, i do think that peppering your speech with the gosh-bomb is no better.

to be frank, i only swear in english. i mean, i do swear in polish but i do it seldom and usually with just cause (you know, that anvil-on-the-toe looney tunes moment). i hate it when mr. m swears in polish. perhaps it's because i was raised in a home where "ass" was pretty much the worst word i heard growing up.

but. BUT: in polish, the words that take the place of the "bad" swears (like "darn" instead of "damn") are generally creative. let me take you on a short linguistic journey through pottymouthia:

the big polish baddie is "kurwa" (roll the R and the W is pronounced like a V - works like a charm when an anvil drops on your toe. truly, nothing beats it.)

now the words that polite polish people use to substitute for the big K are sometimes, like "darn," meaningless, and sometimes they are cute. for instance, one of the substitute words is the polish word for chicken. so if you really want to swear but grandma is present, you yell out "pale chicken!" or "baked chicken!" both far more engaging than "gosh." then, to switch it up a bit, we have "dog's blood" and "dog's bone." the italians have their "porca madonna." anglophones have "gosh."


so if you don't want to swear, don't. but if the need takes you and you don't want to offend anyone, how about making up something witty (more witty than "fudge" please)?

any ideas? i am open to suggestions.

and furthermore, this whole thing started not with "fuck" but with "gosh." since when are we so bloody puritanical that we can no longer utter "god"? wasn't i persuasive enough when i told you god does not exist? and since he does not exist, he can hardly mind you tossing about his moniker. plus, let me remind you, god is a generic term, like car, or refrigerator, and who the hell will know which particular god you are referring to, huh? thus you can offend not only christians but muslims, jews, zoroastrians, zeus-worshippers, and The Church Of The Small Inexplicable Growth On My Left Armpit, all in one fell swoop. whereas if you say "gosh" you will be offending only one person: namely me.

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