03 June, 2007

if whores were this circumspect, no john would EVER bring home the clap

ok, i am pissed. i have spent the last half hour trying to find kitchen cabinet styles on both the home depot and the IKEA websites. i have been sending swear packages heavenward, contemplating maiming the laptop and/or mister monkey*, and generally getting my panties in a knot. here's a question: if you had a website that sold, for the sake of argument, flavoured personal lubricant, would you not, theoretically speaking, have a home page that CLEARLY directed your customer to the various flavours (say, liver'n onion, passionfruit, or dill pickle)? or would you lead them on a merry chase that ended with total frustration for the prospective buyer and bankrupcy for you? it seems that the aforementioned companies are aiming for the latter.

if only there was a comments page that would allow me to vent. instead, IKEA has an animated e-dolly named anna who politely tells me she doesn't understand me. anna, you are a two dimensional cartoon who blinks excessively and occasionally flashes a truly frightening smile,** i certainly hope you don't understand me.

here is a sample conversation:

moi: you are a moronic bitch and i hate you
anna: would you like me to take you to the toy section? (apparently the words "moronic" and "bitch" translate to "excellent mommy" in IKEA-land. pity the poor swedish children.)

moi(frustrated into uncharacteristic terseness): idiot
anna: i am sorry you feel that way. may i answer any questions related to IKEA products?

moi: quit blinking at me and hide that frightening grin!!!
anna: i don't think i am overly expressive. (i kid you not, she actually said this) are there any IKEA related questions that i may help you answer?

if you are ever bored or lonely, go talk to anna. i am actually quite curious how much of a conversation one may carry on with her. i might go in there today and ask her how she is doing. who knows, i may yet develop a friendship with a non-existent swedish e-dolly with a frighteningly competent e-orthodontist.



*just because he was there and unable to make it better. no other reason, really.
**disturbingly reminiscent of my cousin's ex-girlfriend

4 comments:

Piotr said...

In response to **, M1, M2, or M3?

Piotr said...

I think is is M2, I asked Annie to smile, she wouldn't...

Anonymous said...

you are certifiable... and brilliant.

aga, a large slavic woman said...

i think she smiled at me, pitur, because she sensed my mounting frustration and wanted to push me over the edge, sadistic bitch that she is.