30 May, 2007

goodbye barney, hello dino

DILLS & VIBES: if you are a woman, or if you know a woman, or if you want to please a woman, or if you want to be a woman, i highly recommend this lovely place. with the help of a wonderful, well informed, professional, attractively tattooed young woman, i replaced my faulty barney with the lovely dino, who is so well designed that i am tempted to whip him out during dinner parties to stir my martini. goodbye purple (largely because barney rudely tendered his resignation after three short shifts), hello superior german engineering. just thought i'd share.

did i mention vancouver is awesome?

FOOD & SOCKS: we consumed creme brulee on the beach on more than one occasion. we photographed starfish on long beach. some of us developed an unhealthy obsession with seagull appendages. our lovely hosts, B and L, took us to a late night market in richmond where i bought socks: socks with pink pigs that yell at me in korean! socks featuring che guevara! socks with cuddly bears, bum hole proudly displayed! i almost bought a pair with some asian rock/movie star on them but, sadly, i opted for the bum-bear instead. mister monkey fell in love with one of our hosts' furry friends (cabby*, pepsi*, cheeky* and noodle* were all awesome, though mr. m's heart skipped a beat for noodle*only) who, i might mention, is a cat. yes. my husband fell for a cat. this from a self-professed dog lover, of the militant, rabid, cat-hating variety. hmmmm....seagull feet, cats...just as well i got myself a munchkin to take the edge off.

*names have been changed to protect the subjects' privacy.

and that, my friends, is all. i have developed a headache, what with all the fort mac teeth, what with the obvious lack of ocean, what with all the oil money stench, what with all the trucks, what, in short, with the obvious return to reality.


mr. m's strange photographic obsession

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29 May, 2007

mr. m's foot fetish continues

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even the rocks are more balanced in vancouver

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exeunt omnes (except the funny looking guy)

we got back from a week in sunny, warm, green, environmentally conscious, culturally saturated, culinarily interesting, aromatic, vegetarian-friendly, beach infested, slightly fishy vancouver.

all the work i have been doing to make my returns to fort mac painless has been undone - i am miserable. i want to go back. i want to feast on vegetarian chicken titties from choices market. i want to get sand in my sandals. i want to watch mister monkey scrub slug goo from his hands. i want to breathe in air so green it sings. i want to whale watch. i want to walk down denman and drool at cupcakes. i want to pig out on lemon curd shortbread tarts from capers. i want to drink illegal wine on english bay. i want to live in a civilised place, goddamn it. luckily, mister monkey wants all of the above (with the notable exception of the slug).

fort mac, you suck. not just that. you suck the proverbial big fat syphillitic one. and you ain't got no kleenex.

want some pics? cause i can oblige. really and truly. those on my mailing list will be getting a poop-load of some happy happy pictures of green and growing things. and boats. and me and a dog. and other stuff. wait for it.

18 May, 2007

those things and then something else

not even close

in my recent professional e-mail-out: Fulfill Your Dream Of Being Awarded A Bachelor Of Dental Hygiene Degree . yeah. right. my dream. i think my dream might have a lot more to do with a tub full of melted belgian chocolate and a very naked nathan fillion. or strawberries. or both. but a dental hygiene degree? not even close.

nausea last night at the monkey household

as we sleepily spoke our last words to each other a poem suddenly appeared fully formed in my brain and i had to get up and write it down. so as not to wake mr. m i went into the other bathroom, turned the light on and sat on the toilet to write (and pee - i multitask, remember?). after i finished i flushed, turned the light out and returned to bed. mr. m snuggled in and asked me where i had been. i said, "i went to make a poem. " "you went to make a poo?" "no, a poem!" "you made a poo!"
don't you wanna be married too?

green eggs and dental ham

when you go to get your teeth cleaned, do you not do an extra special job of brushing? if you were scheduled to see a proctologist, would you not take a bottle cleaner to your butt? clean your toe jam for the foot specialist? NEWSFLASH: the only way i want to know what you had for lunch today (or, heaven help me, last week) is by your telling me, ok? i. do. not. want. to. be. able. to. identify. the. food. between. your. teeth. capiche? jesus. i can't believe some people. and yes, it definitely was ham.

the teaser in yesterday's post

i have no clue what i was going to write about. really. i haven't had wine for more than a week and i think that might be the reason.

the pretentious yet strangely alluring weird singers section

we are flying to vancouver tuesday morn, heading off to a lisa gerrard concert that night, and a bjork concert the following night. i only hope it doesn't rain on wednesday because bjork will be twirling her swan outdoors. is she worth a wet butt? we'll see.

canadian dollar reaches 30 year high; economists predict parity with US dollar

stick it to your grandma, yankees!!! but worry not, our dear south-of-the-border friends, we will always have beaver droppings and rabid moose that you can continue to make fun of.

17 May, 2007

it was a dark and stormy knight

what do i like?

i like foam soap.
i like license plates that spell goofy or indecent words.
i like strawberry tomatoes which, i suspect, are pumped full of crack cocaine because i like them THAT MUCH.
i like people who are passionate about food.
i like the patchwork filling on my crown that means i no longer carry in between my lower left molars enough food to feed a small african nation for a year.
i like salman rushdie.
i like my fake crocs because they are loud, obnoxious, smurf-blue and insanely comfortable, all at the bargain price of $ 6.98(canadian).
i like earl grey tea which, like the strawberry tomatoes, is also suspiciously addictive.
i like my mother-in-law's homemade cottage cheese.
i like the small shiny new green leaves that even here, in fort mac, are making an appearance.
i like living next door to beavers and trees and possible bears and deer and a river valley that makes you forget all the oil money and earth rape going on in the vicinity.
i like reusable grocery bags.
i like remembering what the hell i was supposed to be writing about when i signed in to blogger (this ain't it).
i like small children in small highly controlled quantities.
i like curry.
i like my dog-in-law, bean, as long as he keeps the droolage to a minimum.
i like my aunt and uncle's garden.
i like the cut glass antique doorknobs on all the doors of our new house.
i like my job.
i like you, as long as you keep the droolage to a minimum.

16 May, 2007

bring on the sugar free jello and damn the consequences

i am currently sitting in my fort mac living room (as opposed to my downtown edmonton living room, or my off-whyte living room, boy what a glutton for real estate i am!) in my undies, my mouth still frozen from recent dental work, spooning strawberry jello into my lopsided gullet, thinking of vancouver.

why am i thinking of vancouver, you ask? well, this tuesday at 10:30 a.m. we will be landing in lotusland, ready for exciting adventures in extreme vegetarianism, sunset watching, wine drinking, socializing and general dampness. can't wait. we used to go to van every may on a spring hunting expedition and since we spent the last spring in niagara falls (speaking of dampness - blerrch!) we have missed our usual little getaway.

expect pictures.

and now i must run off to shower the bloody remains of other people's gums out of my hair.

oh what a joy it is to be moi, no?

15 May, 2007

the zen of concrete mixing

this weekend past we did our usual reno slave labour, with the added bonus of finally being able to see the whole of our purchase. yes, ladies and gentlemen, the old owner is now officially gone, and we can go upstairs with impunity.

i admit i was a little scared of what we would find but what we found was pretty much what i expected: a kitchen and bathroom in need of a face lift, and a gorgeous open dining-living room space which will mesh marvellously with our candlelit wine and cheese socializing. there was even a bonus of finding hardwood under the blue plush carpet in the bedrooms.

good god, i ask myself, who puts blue plush carpet anywhere? i've never been a carpet fan but having now lugged several large and smelly rolls of the stuff into the increasingly scary pile in the back of the house, i can honestly say it is the most disgusting thing one can put on one's floor. dog hair? yup, plenty'o. human skin? yessir! soggy mystery patches? ditto! unidentified bacteria-laden toxic-chemical releasing smell? you betcha! and now, on top of it all, these babies will be festering in the landfill for millenia to come. in other words, good all around.

but yay, we do have hardwood all over. now we pay some dude to come and strip off the old crap, fill in the gaps and varnish it all up. now i'll be able to spill all the red wine that i want! woohoo. not to mention the joy of, for once, actually paying someone else to do work for us.

in other news, i mixed cement on saturday. large quantities of cement. bags and bags of it. and you know what? it was backbreaking, blister-inducing labour, and i loved it. at one point during the endless stirring i found myself in a state i have only rarely achieved during yoga - that quiet awareness of the moment, the receding of all other thoughts and concerns from the mind, a focus of energy and thought and a sense of just plain being. very mystical, i know, for mixing concrete, but there you have it.

apparently i have missed my calling - i should be in construction. other than a perfectly horrible friday during which you could have put a gun to my head and still failed to get me to work, i am really enjoying this renovation thing. sure i bitch about it, sure i resent how much time it's taking, but we have fun. half the time i go from swearing to laughing in 32 seconds. and, i must add, watching your man be really truly good at electrical AND construction AND plumbing is pretty damn sexy.

if i had my camera here i'd post some pics of the lovely living room but, have no fear, you too will soon be drinking wine there!

09 May, 2007

bright eyed and bushy tailed means what, exactly?

yesterday mister monkey slept through his alarm clock and consequently i had to kick his ass out of bed just in time for his ride. it was pretty funny.

when i wake up, i am immediately alert. pissed off as hell and ravenously hungry, but alert.

when mr. m. wakes up, he is beyond fuzzy. it takes him a full half hour of lying on his back, staring into the middle distance, scratching, to get him ready for the big bad universe. you'd think he'd skip that part in the panic of trying to get out of the house on time. no. not really.

i woke up, glanced at the clock and yelled for him to get up or he'd be late whereupon he jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen where he stood scratching. then he ran back into the bedroom where he stood scratching. then the bathroom. more scratching. it seems his brain is unable to get started in the morning without the prerequisite amount of scratching. so on it would have gone, kitchen - bedroom - bathroom, scratching - scratching - scratching, if i hadn't finally sat up and told him: put on your clothes. put on your socks. get your lunch. go. go! GO!

he made it in time but it was one of the funniest mornings ever. which, come to think of it, is pretty easy, seeing as mornings aren't usually all that funny, what with them being mornings and all.

08 May, 2007

our fort mac backyard

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shitloads of tiny little furry horses (oh, and llamas too)

i spent last weekend attending a dental hygiene convention, and whatever you imagine that might possibly be like, it is worse. yes, there are many many hot women but most of those hot women think that their profession is Very Important. and Highly Interesting. also, that it is important to Educate Oneself. and while i somewhat hold with the latter, the two former concepts give me a tiny little bit of gas on the spot. pfrrrt!

and speaking of asses (obliquely as it were), mine sure was sore after hours (and hours) (and then some more hours) of sitting in a hotel listening to several marginally passable speakers, many downright boring speakers and only one or two genuinely interesting speakers.

but hey, breakfast AND lunch was provided, and, on the last day, ice cream! woohoo! ok, i admit, i do like fudgesicles, but at that point a chilly suppository might have been more appropriate to take the hemorrhoidal inflammation down a bit. i was sorely tempted to drop my drawers and deposit my aching butt in the ice bowl. i tell ya, those were some damn uncomfortable chairs!

on saturday my cousin & co. came over and wine was consumed and world problems solved, as we all teetered on the edge of consciousness. but we decided we are big boys and girls and no amount of exhaustion, physical (theirs) or mental (mine) would prevent a good old drunken evening.

sunday morn i was fed asparagus crepes in bechamel sauce and then had mugshots done by the lovely g. one day, if i'm a bad girl, and mr. m is a good boy, we'll do a full nekkid spread. or not. but i can use this to get his cooperation in life, no?

that's it, that's all. i was very very busy, i continue to be so. i ignore messages because i am a jerk (sorry jools!) but i vow to change.

more to come with varying regularity (or unvarying irregularity).

01 May, 2007

quality german sausages

and don't tell me there's anything out there better than quality german sausages. i find the plural charmingly dirty. like euro-porn with large hairy blond men and rosy-cheeked helgas going at it in the barn. and if you think i'm kidding, i believe i have a copy somewhere on the hard drive. though i think they might be swedish, judging from their muppet-chef pre- and post-coital chatter.

what i did on the weekend

what i did on the weekend was gettin high off polystrippa, developing a deep and intimate relationship with the staff at home depot (mitchell from the contractors' desk, this one's for you!) and sanding drywall.

i find it ironic that the same man who will not allow me to carry groceries or unpack the car after a trip, has no qualms whatsoever about getting me to haul shitloads of 2x4's up and down the stairs, yanking rusted nails out of 300 year old wood, and mopping toxic chemicals off the floor with a piece of rag formerly known as an IKEA duvet cover.

renovations rock. what was to be over and done in two weekends is barely begun and sweetly naive* questions from mothers on both sides of the equation of the "are you done yet?" variety have the tendency to evoke a bitter guffaw bordering on sob.

i sand drywall and curse.

but hey! mister monkey and i rented a floor sander to remove paint from the concrete floor (definitely NOT on our to do list at the project's outset) and it sure was a hoot watching the sander jerk him around the room, repeatedly running full strength into one paricular bit of wall as the man tried his darndest to tame the beast, the desperation in his eyes making it clear that one more sander-wall collision would surely result in me returning to the sysiphean task of chipping at the damn paint with a chisel which, though eventually effective, averages about a square inch an hour. or thereabouts.

also, our previous owner/present tenant seems mired in builder related difficulties and will be remaining with us for the next couple of weeks, possibly months, which though comforting (we can continue renovations while having a paying tenant) makes me a tad nervous because i am really wanting to know what the upstairs looks like. buying a house is a ridiculous process made worse by our tact and delicacy (you shut your gob and quit your grinnin', we are so tactful and delicate, just not to your undeserving ass!) which prevents us from going upstairs and looking at our new place while the tenant is at work and i am going nuts because i want to see what it was that we bought during our momentary possession by mammon.

*hell, let's be honest here, while mr. m's mama can do sweetly naive honestly and well, mine was last naive (especially sweetly so) in her elementary years. when you hear sweetly naive from my mama, you run for the hills, sister, because things are about to get baaaad.