19 April, 2007

three letters to politicians

dear prime minister stephen harper,

you are an ass. you may be marginally more articulate than your political pal down south, but you are still an ijit. your inability to say anything of substance is embarassing, your penchant for opening your mouth and offending frightening, and your repeated denial of any sort of responsibility for anything at all juvenile. your ignorant comments about lebanon made me embarassed to be canadian, even though i never voted for you. you continue to blame everything on the liberals and it is getting old. also, ease up on the hairspray. your hair is so very wrong. in short, you make me throw up a little in my mouth every time you appear in the media. drop dead,

yours truly,

dear president bush,

i used to hate you. now i feel a little sorry for you. you are, bar none, the least intelligent leader of any country. the fact that the country you lead happens to be big, strong and dangerous does not make the above facts any easier for the world to bear.
you should not speak in public. ever. i recommend coloured posters with simple slogans (à la fox news) printed on them in big letters that you hold up while smiling. it should appeal to the slack-jawed yokels who voted for you. yes, yes, i hear rumours that some intelligent people voted for you as well, but these are unsubstantiated (that means "unproven" in case you were wondering.) and frankly, if they were really intelligent, why did they vote for you? it's patently obvious that you are unsuited to running an ant farm, nevermind a powerful country.
by the way, as far as speaking engagements go, you should immediately (that means "right away") fire whoever allowed you to appear repeatedly next to tony blair who has an amazing ability to be articulate in public. unlike you.
i hope one day you understand that your idiotic policy has taken the world's opinion, which was very much pro-US following the 9-11 attacks, and reversed it completely. i hope you realise that you and your advisors are personally responsible for the rise in extremism and terrorism, those little things you claim to be against. and yes, i do understand that many of your golf buddies own arms factories, and it is good to be nice to your buddies. however, there is also the rest of the world to consider. that would be those other countries. you know, those places where they talk in funny languages.

yours truly,

dear president kaczyński,

you and your twin brother are short, ugly and embarassing to poland. even though you might not be biologically related to the unabomber, you boast a similar level of scariness. he is better looking than you though. i suggest shoes with lifts, comprehensive cosmetic surgery, and shutting the hell up with your right wing homophobic "pro-family" agenda. welcome to the 21st century, boys, where we no longer burn witches and fags.
other than that, get over yourself.

your truly,


p.s. despite public overtures of friendship, what do you wanna bet dubya has no idea who you are?


Anne said...

hear hear!


P.S. Have had half an email to you ready for two months now. Impressive, eh? But I will finish it it soon, promise.

Piotr said...

agreed. The last part of the last letter is so true, it's not funny anymore.