07 February, 2007

who am i?

i just got off the phone with my cousin and am a little shaken. in case you don't know me, my cousin is a huge part of my life. we are both only children and therefore treat each other more as siblings than cousins. he is a close friend as well. so when he tells me that he has noticed lately how money oriented i have become, it worries me. he told me he had wanted to mention this for a while but, what with his huge home renovation and our moving all over the place, we haven't been spending that much time together.

i suppose it is true. we have been making decisions that seem unlike us, that the only way we can justify is with dollar signs. but. BUT. a big old greasy but - when one starts to justify decisions based on dollar signs alone, the consequences can be dire. i have told you before that i want a simple life and peace of mind. and i do. good god, it is the one thing along with health, that i really really want more than anything else. and yet we have just purchased a house we do not need, just for the possibility of future gain.

and speaking of health, i worry so much about mr. m and yet we are now moving for a year and a half to a place where he will become chronically tired and stressed, where he will have little time for physical activity and where we will see very little of each other. all for the dollar signs.

true, we didn't have much choice in the fort mac move, but we had some, and if mr. m put his foot down, his company would simply try to place him elsewhere.

i feel ill right now. i feel a knot of darkness right at the seat of my soul, that small place where i first feel the rightness or wrongness of things.

and still things are not beyond repair. there are things i can do, things we can do. easy things.

i think we shall sell one of our places. after all, who needs more than one abode, especially if said person is always in exile? we do not have it in us to buy multiple properties and become slumlords. we just don't have it in our blood to evict widows and orphans in the middle of a pre-christmas cold spell, and if you can't do that, you will have little fun in being a landlord!

we will go to fort mac, but if mister monkey's health becomes in any way compromised by the inhuman working conditions (why do people there put up with that? why? $$$ and lots of it. why have a life when you can have three skidoos? why have a wife when you can spend 2K on strippers in a night? why see your kids when you can see the number of zeros on your paycheque?) i will put my foot down and get us the hell out of there.

there, that's (a little) better.


Pitur said...

sounds depressing. I can't see what your cousin is talking about, but it has been a while since I talked to most of you.

aga, a large slavic woman said...

well, i feel like i haven't changed so much as been justifying the hell out of our choices recently, and the only justification worth anything at all was $. why else runaway, move around, and eventually end up in the butt end of the universe? anyhow, all is well. it really isn't as depressing as i make it out to be. but then again, you know that.