22 December, 2006

christmas: baby jesus-flavoured marketing campaign

1. the theme of this week's patients was "elderly german." scores and scores of them. great personalities and nice teeth, and great how any deep seated cultural animosities just fade when one is in exile from the motherland. not that i feel exiled here or anything, i am just speaking figuratively. ok?

2. i want to get myself a small yappy lapdog and name him foucault, so then i can go around and quote him all day long like pretentious english students, of whom i was once a member (see how well i can use "whom?"). i can say things like "foucault said, yip yip yip" or "foucault thinks it's okay to pee on the rug" and everyone will wonder if i am crazy or if i am privy to some esoteric foucaultian knowledge and lest the latter be true and they make fools of themselves, they will agree with me and we will get into a heated discussion of the panopticon, the unequal gaze, and the modern prison system and the terminology will be flying fast and furious and in the meantime i will only have been talking about toilet training my dog. suckers!

3. did i ever tell you we don't do christmas gifts in our family? did i ever tell you how much more i love christmas now? did i ever tell you how i gloat over the poor souls whose scrunched up faces fill the malls, and whose bitter swearing at their own stupid fate imbues whatever gifts they purchase with dark smelly energy? did i ever tell you how they look at me half in wonder and half in frenzied jealous loathing when i serenely tell them that we don't do christmas gifts? because really, why bother? everyone can get their own desires fulfilled, and thus we focus on eating vast amounts of polish food, drinking vast amounts of argentinian wine, and sitting around laughing at the silliness of the world that surrounds us, smug bastards that we are.

4. lest you get the idea that we are stingy and mean, whenever any member of our family travels to an exotic location, they usually purchase art and give it to other members of la familia. also, we will spontaneously buy something that we think perfect for a particular person. even in june. (!) so we do gifts, just whenever we feel like it, not when forced into it by a baby jesus-flavoured marketing campaign.

5. along similar lines, i refuse to ask patients how their christmas shopping is going because guess what - i don't care! i ask about their plans, their families, their baking, but i refuse to equate christmas readiness with an empty wallet.

6. speaking of frenzied shopping and all, i bought myself a pair of cashmere lounging pants (see? i don't need gifts! i am perfectly able to satisfy the desires of my own ass). so if you see me and i have a faraway look in my eyes and a small smile playing on my lips, it's because my ass feels so damn good. if you want, you can touch it a little bit. but only a little bit.

1 comment:

Anthony said...

I will hold you to the cashmere-ass touching, but would be much more pleased if you would raise Foucault for a few years, slaughter him and use his downy fur to spin yarn with which you will knit pants for yourself. Then we can touch Foucault on your ass and have brilliant discussions about the panopticon of your ass.

I'm a fuckin' genius. Ahhyuck.