yes, gentle readers. you are correct. it isn't even fully 3 o'clock yet and i am smackeroonied. just walked (somewhat unevenly) back from a work christmas luncheon whose crowning glory was dr. stewart's homemade eggnog that had enough courvoisier in it to make a man and a half of moi. on an empty stomach, no less. and that's when the day looked up. not that it was bad, per se, just a little odd. cold water this morning threatened to turn into cold water all day and if you want to see me in a really satanic mood, make me wash my hair in cold water. luckily the mystical "they" got their poop in a group and managed to fix (again) whatever the fuckety fuck is wrong (again) with the plumbing in this building and i got to rip the fur off my legs in steamy hot comfort (insert disturbing visual here). also, i seem thoroughly uninspired as far as this tomorrow party thingy goes. decorating this morning was all about removing decorations from boxes, placing them haphazardly around the room and then sighing in resignation/frustration and putting them away again, only to repeat above action. why? last year i made it all purty! i'm pretty sure i did, anyhow. also, as far as the prep work goes, i seem unable to do anything at all. first of all literally unable to get my car out of the slushy depths of its parking spot and second of all metaphorically unable to get my drowsy ass out of the slushy depths of "oh whatever, we'll just open up a pack of chips and a bottle of vodka and everyone will be happy." luckily a lot of people offered to bring things and i hope they do. oh boy i hope they do. if you're reading this and coming to the party, don't despair. i do have my cheese platter from today's luncheon. you may partake of tasteless, rubbery north american "cheeses" (the word in this context so requires quotation marks -after italian centre cheeses, blecch, you have NO idea!) and some lovely garnishes that i can let you sprinkle salt on for full gastronomical pleasure. also, we have some mayo in the fridge. so yo, come on down!
okay, to do list for this afternoon:
1. sober the fuck up. pronto.
2. have a drink...wait, no. dig out car. drive it to the multitude of places that require my attention.
3. have a goddamn drink...NO YET! start preparing yummy and delicious foods for tomorrow's gathering because goddamn it all to the nether regions, you are polish and to the poles food = love.
4. can i have a drink now, please? possibly.
5. wait for mister monkey to return from niagara falls, try not to fall into a drunken stupor since that would only reinforce his ideas about my (alleged) alcoholic tendencies, and if i can't meet him at the door fresh as a daisy, i'd still rather not have him be forced to fish my head out of a toilet filled to the brim with vomit. not least of all because i just cleaned the bloody toilet.
p.s. anyone want to explain to me why i love parties but am filled with a nameless dread, fear and trepidation right before, fantasizing about a nice full blown case of stomach flu, with a side of ebola, which would allow me to spend the evening in a nice quiet hospital room instead, with the quiet metronome of the IV drip keeping me sane? why did i have to go and throw a party? WHY, JEBUS, WHY?!?!??! and why do i have to go through this goddamn panic every time? and where in the hell is mister monkey when you need him? and i need him now...sob....hick....sob...mumble incoherently while blowing nose into shirt.
go away now. i'm a very busy woman.
p.p.s. bastards upstairs are doing a major and increasingly LOUD reno and i am this close to going upstairs with my fake (but very realistic looking) gun and having some fun. the only thing keeping me back is the fact that we don't have any household budget set aside for bail. none at all.