22 November, 2006

this one might really be about boobies

1. in case you were wondering, i was not too much for mr. m's christmas party. that title went to the triple D girl (got milk?) with the way too small dress. i was mesmerised by her mammaries and i am a girl (perhaps not 100% straight, but generally boycentric). don't get me wrong, she was not in any way, shape, or form particularly attractive, but the breastages undulating inside a summer dress far far too small and weak and ineffectual at this whole containment thing were like a car wreck - i simply could not look away. so, hurray for boobies. double hurray for big boobies. triple hurray for ginormous breasticles that fought with the roast for room on her plate. really. wow.

2. did you know that julio iglesias did a CD of great romantic classics? and by great romantic classics i mean 80's crap that worked really well for those junior high dances where the small pimply boy and the tall gawky girl hugged on the dancefloor while swaying arrhythmically, he hoping to cop a feel of her prematurely sprouting boobies, she trying to hide said boobies from the world. and while i don't mind a little julio (don't laugh, i never said i was anything but monumentally uncool), i do prefer when he stays within his limited linguistic and octave range and does latin tangoes and shit. when he started in on "careless whisper" i thought i would choke. which, you know, would not be the end of the world, except that i happened to have a sharp pointy instrument inside some dude's oral cavity at the time. so yes, julio sings george michael, julio sings the beegees, julio sings (i shit you not) willie nelson. yes. willie nelson. yes. julio. i know. so i figure the next step for julio is to record an album of 80's romantic metal ballads. julio singing whitesnake, julio singing platinum blonde, julio singing poison. get out yer wallet, ma! just in time for christmas!

3. speaking of julio, why is it that most dental offices play easy rock? what is it about the dental office that inspires the drones that people its antiseptic hallways to play easy rock? any ideas? because i think i just found the reason for my emotional slump. i swear, if i hear celine dion one more time i will surely drink a whole bottle of banana flavoured fluoride and vomit myself to death.

4. i hate to say i told you so, but i really did. i told you so. i told you you were a judgmental shallow person (with a slight ex drinking problem), a tad chunky around the middle, and perhaps larger than average of nose, but definitely judgmental. why this litany of sins aimed at moi-self? because it turns out that the girl with the sausage roll bangs is really a rather cool person with a great sense of humour and not a total bowling-loving geek who hangs out at old folks' pink macrame craft sales. will i learn my lesson? do goldfish snowboard?

5. off to whitecourt for a wine and cheese evening, followed by a weekend of...hmmm, what shall it be? i am absconding with t's teenage daughter, and there will be shopping, giggling, make-up, hair, goop-on-face, cotton-between-toes and other femaleish activities. i am very slightly scared, but i know i can do it. perhaps i will simply drink a lot at supper and have her drive me home from the mall - that would be a real educational experience, and it would hardly surprise her. will consider. (t - relax! i am kidding! i would NEVER let n drive my car!)

6. "cold enough for ya?" no. not until my snot tinkles like ice cubes on the sidewalk, not until teenagers and fahionable (cough!*stupid*cough!) people finally put on hats and mittens and zip up their goddamn coats, not until comfort-loving assholes actually have a reason for idling their gas guzzlers for more than 30 seconds. until then, it is not cold enough for me. but thanks for asking.

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