07 November, 2006

in which i stop for a moment, take a look around, and realise that we are not in kansas anymore

1. go see this mockumentary NOW! it is brilliant and very frightening, but not in how far from the truth it is, but rather how very very close. i think that was the point, so pardon me for stating the obvious. but go. rent it. hunt it down in your alternative video store or library. go see CSA!

2. there is a christmas tree in the middle of our living room. it is kind of awkward because it makes it nigh near impossible for me to use my remote control and forces my butt off the couch if i want to listen to ckua LOUD. why is there a christmas tree in your living room, you ask? surely you have not become one of those people, aga, you say. surely you wait till at least mid december to christmasify your home! what gives? oh worry not, we are just testing it out, qoth i. the year before last i had had enough of the pain that invariably accompanied the draping of lights upon the tree. ok, perhaps it was not meant to be painful. perhaps i was doing it wrong. whatever. every time i did it my hands were a bloody scratched-up mess, my hair had plastic needles in it, and still the tree was lit up all lopsided-like, with the majority of lights clustered around either the base or the top (depending on which end i started with) and the end result was me, sitting on the floor pissed off, drinking a heavily spiked eggnog, glaring at the tree, radiating black anti-christmas karma. so we took it to value village and were effectively treeless until this week when i finally found not only a pre-lit tree, but one pre lit with LED lights, which, as you well know, are better for the environment and the wallet, and are overall superior except for the strange pallor of their light, corpse-like and haunting. but hey, perhaps corpse-like and haunting is what i want in my christmas tree! you never know. so now we are testing it out. what bothers me is that i always figured a pre-lit tree would have the lights somehow incorporated into the branches but all it is is a regular tree with string lights wrapped around the branches. the only difference between the pre-lit tree and one i wrap myself is the fact that each line of lights is spaced evenly and ends neatly at the bottom of each tree section, and consequently no loss of blood occurs. still, it looks ok but somehow i am not sure. perhaps it is the corpse-like pallor that keeps me from wholeheartedly embracing the tree. perhaps it is the unfluffed appearance of the tree (i do not want to fluff it because then i will have to defluff it when/if we return it, but unfluffed it only begs to be returned so i have created a little self-fulfilling prophecy of flufflessness). i am seeing it in the daylight now for the first time, however, and i kind of like it. or maybe i am just getting used to having a (unfluffed) tree in the middle of the living room. bored yet? god, i am. ENOUGH WITH THE TREE ALREADY! ok.

3. i have a gun. it is not a real gun, but it is a heavy metal mock-up of a gun and, for some strange and inexplicable reason, it makes my heart glad. the thing is (oh what is the thing? you cry) i would never have a real gun. i would not have it in the house. (i would not have it with a mouse, i would not have it here or there, i would not have it anywhere!). but this thing makes my heart glad because it is pretty, it is realistic, it is heavy (i like heavy things, they seem more substantial somehow, like our cutlery and, increasingly, mister monkey) and it cannot kill (well, that is not exactly true - i could wollop someone on the noggin with it repeatedly until there is a hole big enough for the spirit to ooze out, but, no, i would not do that. i hope.) the funny thing is we found the gun when we were cleaning out my mother-in-law's Basement Of Doom. we only scratched the surface and took several huge bags of useless fabric, throws, quilts, curtains, "silk" flowers and scary hats to value village. we did not expect to find a gun. (as i type this i look over to where it lies and smile a little fond smile at it: my little gun...ok, i am beginning to frighten myself - what am i, a latent texan?) anyhow, when you drop by, do not be frightened. and if you drop by and get very drunk and want to do a little shakedown, remember it is not a REAL gun and we will whoop your ass and laugh at you and then you will feel very bad and not want to come over any more and i cannot afford to lose any more friends, what with my, you know, issues, and all.

4. i have to go to work today at 3 (poor, poor me, i know) and i hate it because it messes with my schedule. i am sitting here in my unmentionables, unbathed, scary-haired and smelly-mouthed and i know that this blessed state cannot continue because i must go to work. and when i get home at the ungodly hour of 9pm, i will only have time to wash the blood and pieces of gums out of my hair and then it'll be bedtime. i hate working evenings. it sucks. as much as i hate getting up at 5:45 to work my morning downtown shift, i know i'll be home by early afternoon and be able to Do Stuff. but you are Doing Stuff now, you say. yes, but Doing Stuff with the imminent workday hanging over my head is not the same as the carefree Doing Stuff after work. don't ask me to explain. it's just the way it is. and may i say, you've been questioning me a little too much lately. geez, can't you just leave me alone, already?

5. when i was a kid in school, i used to get in trouble for doodling in class. the teacher would generally say something like "stop doodling and pay attention to me," which was annoying because the only way i could concentrate on them was by doodling. the moment i stopped doodling with my hand, i would start doodling with my brain, and although my body assumed the look of extreme concentration and focused attention, i was in fact off slaying dragons, exploring strange planets and generally all manner of Not Listening. the same holds true today. as soon as the phone rings i stop all i am doing, answer the phone, and turn on my solitaire program. some might find it rude that i am playing solitaire while talking on the phone, but it helps me focus my attention. it is not disrespectful, it is just The Way Of The Moi.

6. if my life was a song, i would want it to be a french chanson, something by jacques brel or charles aznavour, the type of song that evokes a really strange sense of nostalgia in me - after all, how can i be nostalgic for france of the 60's, being neither french, nor alive in the 60's. still, that's that. if your life were a song, what would you choose? i really want to know.

7. do you think it is time for me to wash off the night filth? perhaps a shower will restore to me a feeling of humanity. perhaps.

1 comment:

Pitur said...

Number 4 and 5, sooo totally true. I also play minesweeper while I talk on the phone, but solitaire is better.