halloween is almost upon us and you will need to excuse me while i go all martha on your ass.
begin rant: can someone to explain to me why people think that orange garbage bags constitute lawn decoration? because to me? they don't! they are garbage bags. no matter how many of them you place on your lawn in picturesque piles, no matter how they grin in a misguided attempt to impersonate pumpkins, guess what? you have garbage bags on your lawn, loser!
why not buy one goddamn pumpkin and carve it? why not take a bunch of dry branches and put them in a pretty urn that you can pick up for a buck fifty at salvation army? hey, why not just do nothing at all? because anything is better than garbage bags (and baggies) in fluorescent orange lying around lawns. why? because they are ugly, and they show the same kind of aesthetic sense (i.e. none) as inflatable lawn ghosts, and hallmark cut-outs. hey, north america, would it kill you to actually use your creativity and your hands for once and make something from scratch? would it? i think i would prefer a skeleton made from pipe-cleaners, egg cartons, macaroni and sparkles than the prefabricated shitpile of the stunted imagination. and don't get me started on christmas, because this is the year some unsuspecting home owner gets a plastic candle shoved up his boring old ass.