20 July, 2006

PIIIGGGGSSSS!!!! INNN!!!!! SPAAAACEEEEE!!!!!

after what feels like a lifetime of hot sweaty insomnia (and not the good kind, either, thank you very much), i have finally slept a full night. mother's milk my ass, my mom mixed me up a couple of piƱa coladas, with that kickass 151 proof rum, then plonked down a bottle of melatonin on my night table, and off i went.

it is raining, there is thunder off in the distance, the air is clean and cool, and the room doesn't smell - clearly i am not in our shitty apartment anymore. mr.m will be joining me for a weekend of hammocking, drinking things, and swimming in the oceanic great lake. come on down!

now here is an issue i'd like to take up with someone upstairs - it seems that, for the time being at least, i can no longer drink red wine. i object. this is as much a part of my personality as my big mouth, my...ahem...sunny disposition, and my love of food. if i cease to drink, who will i be? parties will no longer be the same! people are counting on me, here! they are counting on me to say stupid things, fall off furniture, plead with mr.m to be taken home immediately(while AT home), talk too much, reveal too much, and generally be the life of the party. if you are reading this, know me, and feel that my assessment of the situation is way off the mark and i am actually not the life of the party but an annoying loud drunk, then keep your ideas to yourself, and, better yet, go stick your head in a pig!

it started with intense headaches the morning after. but, hey, i'm a big girl, i can take it. then, fairly recently, it became intense headaches immediately following consumption. this was a little harder to take - while i am more than willing to shift consequences for my stupid actions to some hypothetical "tomorrow morning me", i really don't like to be faced with those same consequences as the "right now with a raging headache me." i put up with it for a while but slowly i seem to have weaned myself off red wine.

when i whined (ha ha, get it?) to my dad about it last night, he suggested i switch to white wine. GACK! white wine?!!! white wine is all lunching-with-the-too-skinny-girlfriends-on-salad-with-dressing-on-the-side-and-showing-off-diamond-solitaire-engagement-rings-while-making-screamy-girlie-noises. now red wine is all left-bank-garret-paint-stained-hands-hunk-of-good-french-smelly-cheese-and-baguette-on-the-table-next-to-my-almost-finished-manuscript. get the difference? cause i'm all about the garret thing. at least hypothetically, so long as it doesn't smell like stale curry and have a next door psychopath with a taste for weepy canadian chanteuses. and i detest the screamy girlie noises. you DO know what i am referring to, of course? you are after all reading my blog which is all about being wise beyond your years, cynical but forgiving, chic and devil-may-care, witty and demented but in a good way, and having immaculate taste, with absolutely NO SCREAMY GIRLIE NOISES EVER. or you can just leave now and never come back.

the problem becomes even more serious in light of the following truths - i do not like beer, i do not particularly like hard liquor (unless it is in blenderized umbrella drinks - i love girlie drinks, just not screamy girlie noises), and coolers are simply embarassing to partake of in adult company (y'all hear that, friends? i called you adult company!). i do like martinis, but while it is easy enough to open one's second (or third) bottle of wine, it is not particularly easy to mix oneself a fourth (or fifth) cosmopolitan. and if, in desperation, one simply begins to drink straight from the bottle and someone (inevitably) takes a picture, it is immesurably better for one's classiness factor for that bottle to be filled with wine rather than with vodka. and i am, as you might have gathered, ALL about maintaining my classiness factor.

so if you are the praying type, pray for me. if you are the offering of burnt animal sacrifice kind, go knock off a little lamb for me. if you are a neo-druid, go hug an oak for me. just somebody, for the sake of all that is good and holy, do something, ANYTHING!!! cause mommy needs a drink and that drink needs to be red wine. over and out.

2 comments:

Pitur said...

Is that all of red wine, or some particular shitty red wine?

agalinea, mistress of the murkiness of meaning said...

all, sadly all.