17 July, 2006

Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound!!!

it's even hotter now. have i told you lately how much i miss home? sweet alberta air, without all the murky pollutants and humidity that make southern ontario seem like a gigantic brownish smog-flavoured jello salad from an alternate universe: it quivers, it is somewhat but not completely clear, it quivers some more and emits smelly allergens that make my eyes itch.

and speaking of jello salad - how many recipes do you think one needs for strawberry pretzel jello salad? the answer, my friend, is many. one simply cannot have enough! apparently with jello salad, your imagination is the only limiting ingredient in the cornucopia of jello possibilities. i think my favourite ones are the ones featuring cottage cheese - congealed barf in a mold! what could be more appealing? well, maybe if a monkey made it...

jello salad memory lane: my first summer in canada we were invited to a church picnic held outside of town in lovely rolling fields surrounding an old one room schoolhouse - basically the type of picnic you'd think was a thing of the past. and considering this was circa 1982, you'd be right! anyhow - they had homemade ice cream for the kiddies, fried chicken, potato salad, coleslaw, watemelon and i believe i recollect an actual cotton candy machine. but what i remember most clearly is heading through the salad buffet and coming across multi-hued glistening gelatin molds filled with the aforementioned cottage cheese along with shredded cabbage, carrots, fruit, marshmallows and raisins. good god, i thought to myself, surely i have lost something in translation here. to my straightforward polish mind jello meant dessert. cabbage and cottage cheese meant definitely not dessert. the combination was appalling - sort of like serving fried chicken with whipped cream or sprinkling m&m's on ceasar salad.
and raisins? don't get me started. i believe they are the food of satan, and polish people make a point of adding them to all baked goods - surely you must have heard of the famous polish vinyards! no? aaah! that's right. because we HARDLY HAVE ANY! next thing they'll make bananas the unofficial national dish. or monkey brains. and just because we might have had a run-in with the turks 500 or so years ago does not give us the right to embrace raisins so bloody fervently! damn it, polish people who bake from scratch! enough with the raisins! and damn it, protestant canadian people who host lovely church picnics for recent immigrants! enough with the jello salads filled with strange and unwelcome ingredients! a salad is not supposed to be a postmodern critique of binary oppositions - sweet and savoury, salad and dessert, yummy and creepy, etc. no! it is to be et. (or made by monkeys.)

i am done, i think.

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