25 July, 2006
insomnia sucks. it is a self perpetuating vicious cycle of fulfilled neurotic expectations and it pisses me off. i lie awake in bed, knowing that i am tired, goddamnit, that i really really want to sleep while my body is having a full blown anxiety attack without having the decency to tell my mind what the fuck is up. what the hell am i scared of? well...currently probably a heck of a lot (not the least being my psychotic neighbour, the military unrest in the middle east, the depletion of fish stocks in the world's oceans, global warming, cancer, overpopulation, deforestation, globalization, excessive nationalism, despotism, consumerism, mormonism, terrorism, the spread of right-wing ideologies, that suspicious mole on my right thigh, extremists of all kinds, dogmatic world leaders, water pollution, air pollution, noise pollution, light pollution, the morally reprehensible amount of military spending in light of world hunger, general stupidity, dishonesty, avian flu, africa, new orleans, endangered species, as well as our immediate future, but i digress) the point is, i resent having an anxiety attack without being fully aware of actually being anxious. i lie there trying to listen to "that ocean sound at the back of my throat" that shiva rae tells me my yoga breathing should be, and instead i am barely adequately oxygenating my blood with these shallow, wheezy little breaths, which, of course, do little to calm me. grrrr. the night birds sing, the air is sweet, the lake whispers off in the distance, the cat is creeping up on my bed waiting to suck the air out of my lungs...wait! could THAT be it? has the cat been sucking out my breath? has the cat been messing with my sleep ability? and, while we're at it, has the goddamn cat been stealing my wine mojo? bad kitty! bad, bad kitty!