12 June, 2006

world domination

so recently i've been spending a lot of time thinking about world domination. i figure if only i wasn't so bloody lazy i could do some serious good as a benevolent dictator (dictatrix? dictatoress?). some of the issues i'd deal with immediately: overpopulation (what, you thought there wouldn't be any bloodshed? what kind of world dominatrix would i be then?) this might be a good time to get on my good side. i am seriously worried about our environmental impact so the fewer people the better is what i figure (i could bring in some hard scientific data to back me up on this but first of all, it's rather obvious, and second, like i said, i'm lazy).
here are a few other things i'd do - i'd outlaw tight lowrise jeans on anyone with a less than stellar figure (and that's faaaar fewer of you than you think!).
straight boys who take forever to get ready and who are too pretty for their own good will be forced to wear lumberjack jackets, non-ironic acid washed jeans and have their combs confiscated. no exceptions.
changing lanes or turning without signalling would merit a public spanking for the first offense, the removal of an appendage of your choice for the second, and shooting for the third. i think it's rather nice of me to allow the perp to choose the appendage, don't you?
throwing recyclables into the garbage is serious, but because a friend recently very calmly reminded me that people should not be shot for being ignorant, i will forgo shooting for the first offence and send the perp to an educational seminar which will be held at a landfill, to bring the point home.
all SUVs and especially hummers wil be immediately taken off the road and donated to budding metalsmiths who will turn them into public sculptures, fountains and playgrounds for underprivileged children. there is no reason anyone needs an SUV, unless you live on a mountain and have a pet moose.
any questions?
stay tuned for more on my world domination plans.

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