14 June, 2006

shut up, willya?

a few nights ago the neighbours in the shitty building next to our shitty building cranked up celine dion. they generally tend to do everything really loudly from conversations i have no wish to hear (ok, we do it too, but ours are secretly coded in polish, so it doesn't count) to watching strange films late at night which sound like old spaghetti westerns judging by the music. anyhoo, this particular night it was celine dion. mr. monkey and i howled along to that utterly horrific song from the equally horrific "titanic" (both of which do indeed go on and on - so kudos to the lyric writers) hoping that our canine chorus would clue them in. nah. close to midnight we began to get pissed. i was pissed because mr. monkey had to get up early for work the next day, while mr. monkey got pissed out of a beautifully touching sense of marital solidarity. i kept threatening to yell out the window, even going so far as to aggressively whip out my retainer (nothing ruins the authority of a threatening yell faster than a dental retainer lisp) but mr. monkey intervened. then, around 12:30, with celine's multioctavic howls showing no signs of stopping, mr. monkey stuck his head out the window and started to whistle. and boy, can my boy whistle. it brings to mind football hooligans and other scary euro-thugs. he whistled in time with whatever crapalicious unimaginative bit of "romantic" pop celine was emoting, and still nothing. eventually i leaned out and yelled at them to turn it down. in my excitement i forgot my retainer in and lisped, but i think it was still pretty threatening. i wiped the spittle off my chin and waited. nothing. celine kept bleating on. at this point i was ready to call the cops. but i didn't. certainly not because i am nice. i didn't call the cops because it would have been embarassing. i'd have to tell them it wasn't gangsta rap or acid metal, or whatever it is that the "bad" kids listen to these days in between dealing crack, raping senior citizens and whatever, but rather the crooning of canada's finest. but really, i was mostly embarassed for the neighbours. can you imagine having the cops come to your house to shut you down, baby, because you have celine dion blasting out of your stereo? puhleeze!

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