13 June, 2006

cosmic sneeze

so a friend wrote me something somewhat wise, perceptive, completely obvious, refreshingly honest and bloody mean, and yes, all in one: "it's the nature of email and blog communication - nobody who does it is as good a writer as they think they are." this to welcome me to the blogosphere. right. i knew that. sure. ouch. and since we're on the subject of feelings, i really really want it noted that in my next incarnation i want to not give a shit (and have a flat stomach, thick beeootiful hair, a smaller nose, better diction, a glorious singing voice and a wee bit of ambition to help me make something of myself instead of drinking my IQ points away with some admittedly very nice people, but still). unless of course cosmic irony brings me back as a constipated celine dion with a nose job. or a potted cactus. or a goldfish. although if i was the latter i could apparently have a very satisfying career in synchronized swimming, but i digress. where was i? oh yeah, hurt. well, not really hurt. just more of a generally irked feeling, along the lines of a paper cut, though not one of those really bad ones. and here's the rub - i am perfectly willing to accept as true any kind of criticism, thinly veiled or otherwise (unless it comes from my mother). here i am, trumpeting to the universe how glorious it is to be a woman in her 30's, how confident, how relaxed in my own skin, blah blah blah. and it's not like i don't mean it. i do, but there is still that open door in the back of the house somewhere where the draft gets in and that's that. i guess part of the general self-acceptance mantra is to accept one's imperfections, but i am getting really rather pissed with the goody-two-shoes, hypersensitive crybaby interior that belies my tough bitch exterior (which, incidentally, my friends routinely say is a figment of my imagination, so maybe i really am just a crybaby bitch wanna-be). having now totally lost myself in a maze of imaginary (or possibly occasionally very real - ask my husband) bitchiness, i will end.
did i make a point? no.
have i helped others like me, lost souls, all, trying to walk that fine, fine line between baby and bitch? not even close.
did i manage to sneak in totally cool footage (thanks jools) of fish doing amazing things? you betcha! and you've got to accentuate the positives!

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